I suppose this summer wasn't a complete waste of time. During my many days of solitude, I had the opportunity to evaluate myself. I have realized that I have an incredibly passive way of manipulating situations to work out to my preference. What an annoying trait I have. When I acknowledged this fact, I freaked. My self-esteem tanked because I was afraid others would realize this as well. And then when whatever I suggest doesn't work out, I become ridiculously anxious, fearing that I let others down. I need to learn to be more easy going, absorb other insights and not be so caught up with my own.
On another note, the other day I had the weirdest dream. It was as if all of my current worries combined into one giant ball that decided to run me over in one night. But I guess this is it? Closure. Knowing that after all these years, the sequence I played over and over in my mind and tried relentlessly to figure out the reason for the outcome is now finally over. I think that's what happens to people. We direct our own version of the story, manipulate the plot the way that we want it to be, keep in the good and avoid the bad, and what are we left with? No ending, no conclusion. Because the very thing we're terrified of is the end.
On a brighter note, my unproductive summer is coming to an end very soon. Howard's coming back this sunday and I cannot express how ecstatic I am. I swear, for the past two months I haven't felt quite myself but that's because my other half has been across the world. Then next week is official move-in to the new apartment up in SB and then summer school starts on the 3rd. I'm kind of excited to go back to school. This time around, I'm going to tackle school with a different approach. I'm going to be persistent in working hard, and not only during the first week like I always do. I'm actually going to do the reading needed for each class so I would be fucked over during midterms/finals. I mean, how hard could that be? In high school, I had assignments every single day and now in college I can't even read a few pages a day. That's got to be a bit pathetic.... but yeah, I know all my goals are attainable because I have finally found motivation. I know where I want to be next year. I know what I want to do, or actually, I have an idea of what I want to do. And me sitting around being inactive does not help one bit.
